Its been a few months since I have last updated or posted anything. I have taken a step back the past few weeks to allow time and space for clarity of direction in life's journey. Many times we get so focused on "doing" and never realize that we are not "being"... and that is where I find myself. Lately, I have struggled to understand [or even want to understand] what it truly means to embrace the words "count it all joy" as the writer James states in ancient text. Its difficult at times to stay in a positive mindset when everything around you seems to be such a whirlwind; or as if you can't do "right" to save your life. However, through all of these challenging times... I'm trying to see it all like a glass of wine... at first taste, bitter to the tongue, but somehow good for the heart. Life and all of its obstacles lately have been bitter, but I know somehow it will all work out for making positive effects in life's journey... thus I will sip the wine and pass the cup.
For the past months I have chosen to reread back through old notes and papers from the university days coming across numerous of once "known" but now "forgotten" independent thoughts of an eager university student. These (re)discoveries are almost as enjoyable as reading back through old journals of mine from previous years, which I do quite seldom. Journaling has been something I embraced as a high school student and something I continue to cherish to this very day. Nothing seems more appealing to me than vomiting my thoughts onto paper through ink in which it seems the appear the paper is always warmly welcoming. It could be my skewed view and eager attempt to release emotions and thus overtaking the true feelings of the journal, but hence I justify my efforts by the quick thought, "Journal, this is what you are for. If I don't do this, then you are not being used to your full potential", and thus the ink continues to bleed!
Lately, I've given a lot of thought to the word "expectation" and even "expectations" in general. Expectations when presented before someone can be a disastrous encounter if not presented with certain understanding. Unknowingly [many times] we place expectations on people for no reason at all other than for self assurance or self acclimation. I'm sure I am just as guilty as the rest of you all. I know I will make a statement to someone "expecting" them to respond a certain way... And when [If] they respond differently than I expected, I blame them for some sort of fault. For instance lets look at it from this view -- at my current job, I'm known as "happy teacher". The only way I was granted such a "title" was because everyday when I would show up for work, I spoke to everyone; front desk workers, the administrators, ALL of the other teachers... literally everyone I came in contact with [And I tried to keep a good attitude about the work place even when things weren't so great]. One day a week or so ago I walked in and just sat down at my desk. I didn't say anything to anyone really, just smiled and begin lesson plans. A coworker said, "Hello Zack" in which I replied, "Hi". Nothing more, nothing less... and they immediately ask, "What's wrong?" Nothing was wrong, but just because I had not made a "grand entrance" greeting everyone or replied the way they expected me to, something was obviously wrong. It was that incident that led me to thinking about expectations... What people expect of me and what I expect of others. Expectations can have both positive and negative ramifications, depending upon the lens one chooses to peak through. Growing up in a conservative southern Christian family, many things are "expected" of me. Not all are negative things [if any at all are] but I often question the reason why such things are expected of me just because I was raised a certain way in a particular place in North America. I even wonder the reason we expect others to respond a certain way when we hear they grew up with certain beliefs or from certain locations. Why is it that our minds continue to work in such a manner? I'm currently in Korea and Koreans have two types of food, [as they would say] spicy and very spicy. Just because I'm from America they seem to automatically think I will not like spicy food, thus expecting me to ask for something "not so spicy". Or a question I'm asked numerous times is, "Do you have a gun?" It's a funny question I admit, but they expect all Americans to carry guns [or to at least own a gun], especially black people. I know most of this portion of expectancy is influenced from Hollywood [Thanks Hollywood for making us appear so violent, but yet glamorous all within a pleasant 90 minutes] which can be taken with a grain of salt. Or how about when we don't meet the expectations of those close to us; friends, family, etc? Many times it puts strains on friendships, causes wedges to be placed between family members and often times causes major destruction of relationships with those once dear to us. I guess what I'm trying to get at with this entire ramble is perhaps we could take a step back, rethink the things we expect of people and perhaps ask the questions, "What is right to expect of him/her?" or "Why should I expect this/that from him/her?" I know I've been challenged within my own journey to look at this issue and try to figure out an appropriate balance with it all...